This past weekend marked the start of the NFL season and, since I spent Labor Day weekend “off the grid,” the start of college football for me. Yes, football, for me, a lady.
You see, apparently most ladies don’t like football. So much so that local “news” stations run extremely uncomfortable segments telling me what us ladies should do during football season. And no, it’s not even self-centric advice like “go eat some yogurt with birth control at the bottom,” this piece is solely focused on how to get through an entire SEASON and still keep your man happy.
I guess football fan ladies don’t need this advice, since we’re all lesbians.
I’ll admit, I had a sliver of hope that when the teaser said “Relationship expert ” [Emily Fry, from It’s Just Lunch (a service I’ll now rail against about as much as the NRA)], talks about how women should handle football season, it may address some real issues. You see, as a Wisconsin Badger football fan (by association, not alum), I find myself dating a Michigan alum/superfan this football season. I went to a Michigan bar on Saturday. There were fight songs over the PA. I was confused. I thought maybe Emily Fry would remind me “at least it’s not Ohio State” or “at least they don’t play this season, except maybe in the Big 10 Championship game…thanks Leaders and Legends…” or “at least Marquette hates Notre Dame too…”
Oh, but no, Ms. Fry probably doesn’t know that Wisconsin and Michigan are states, never mind rival schools.
So let’s get into Emily Fry’s “tips to make it more cohesive”… (that doesn’t even make fucking sense):
- Despite reporter, Jonah Kaplan’s attempt to diversify with “husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever kind of relationship you’re in,” Ms. Fry jumps straight to Stepford by clarifying “especially as a woman” we need to not “placate” our men, but “support” them and understand that a loss is negative – “don’t minimize that loss for him!”. (Really, because in ladyland losses are good things??).
- Well HOOOOOORAY. These “sports teams and athletic companies are coming out with SUCH CUTE CLOTHES” (ZOMG!). Holy shit, I can get a cute jersey that is “all fit to” me and “all rhinestoned up and really cute.” Emily advises “put one of those on for your man and everything will be just fine.”
- The “silver lining” (not “I’m wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey, doesn’t it look fabulous”) to this interview is the next incredibly awkward segment, in which the reporter makes a strange segue from fashion to communication and asks “Once he talks about football, maybe he’ll earn your trust to open up about something else?” Apparently this football chatter can lead to a “safe space” for your man. I really, really want to know what is going on in each of those folks’ heads during that exchange.
- Leave it to Emily to bring it back around to good old-fashioned sexism though. Because a football loss is equal to horrible things happening in one’s life is equal to ladies forgetting to bring hair curlers on a trip and your man “poo-pooing” it.
At the end of the day, maybe she’s not a vapid, horrible human being. She’s from Chicago and maybe she just doesn’t want to be a Bears fan. Or she’s just a word that rhymes with punt…she may not get that since it’s a football reference.